heyy, this is my first journal and i am warning you of the crazy things you mite hear bout and the things i mit tlk bout in my journal and i am having a super strange day! so yea anywayn i will type l8r! ttyl! ~fashionistachica26
I HATE MEN! I FUCKING HATE THEM! im so sick of this. im. so. sick. of. connor. i dream about him, i think about him and when i talk to him i want to kill him for days. do i still love him? can i? this is so stupid...and you can't fix stupid. i feel disgusting and i want out of here. this is just too much.
What really bothers me the most, is that you aren't even a part of my life at all anymore, yet I still think about you everyday and I still care enough about you to wonder how you are. Yet you can't take two seconds out of your 'oh so busy' fucking schedule to say hi once and a while. You're the one who wanted to stay friends.. well you have an incredibly lousy way of showing that you want to be my friend still. I didn't do anything to you at all except geta little upset -- but I had every right to be mad at you. You are unfair. You treat me like shit in my books, and I don't want people like that in my life. But you know you're different and you know you're an exception, and you definately use that to your advantage, and I wish that you would stop using it to your advantage because it makes me look like a fool. I am the only person who ever made an effort with us. And if you ever made an effort, I don't think it was enough for me. I don't even think you were enough for me. But still I wish things didn't end, and its been a while now but I still feel like I need you a little bit. Because you knew what to do when I didn't. And you're the guy who knows me better than any of the guys I hang out with at school.. or anywhere else. But you'll always be there even when you aren't I guess. I don't understand how ONE person can change your entire life.. when there are more than six billion other people to meet in the world. But one makes all the difference. You weren't exactly that person but sometimes I wish you could have been.
Well, about an hour before midnight last night, someone i wish would never even think of me, decided to congratulate me on the fact that it was my expected due date; Had I not rid myself of his child. Man, I know i did what i needed to do given the circumstances of how i ended up pregnate by him...But, it crushed me; Reminded me just how bad i truly feel due to my miscarriage a few weeks ago. With Joe, I wanted nothing to do with him; He stole everything in me; He took advantage me; and he really finds it funny. But, this time, even though I was reckless in my coping mechanisms; truly wanted this child...4 1/2 months. I even picked out a name... I guess I was managing to surpress those feelings that make me feel dead inside because I have immediate problems and situations that require all of my attention...But that fucking Ass hole, felt the need to remind me of all these horrible things that have occured this year. I am a fuck up. No doubt in my mind. But, this year, i truly tried over and over to put my best foot forward. And, luckily so far, after all the intense occurinces since Aug. 31, I appear to be stepping on the right path...I am stepping small steps on a clean and clear path. I've never attempted to clear my head of any and all fog elements; people and or substances...and I am making progress. Slowly but its edvident... and yes, i know this is so new to me that there is plenty of oppurtunty fo rme to fuck this up i dont know i hate joe and tom. i hope they get what they deserve
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